Shocking Truths: Nintendo Edition
by LittleZebragus
Summary: Those little quirks you see in Nintendo characters may hide some sinister secrets, and those secrets may have been hidden longer than we imagined. This is mostly based on speculation and some evidence and not part of the canon.
1. Link

Link is one of the most popular characters in videogaming history, but what makes him appear cool to almost anyone? It's because we can all relate to him so much simply because he supposedly has no personality of his own, thus allowing people to impose their own perspectives onto him. But is there something else we're not aware of? Something much more sinister than we imagine? We asked our favourite fairy boy to fill in on his life thus far.

_"It all began back in the 80s. Things were pretty whacky in that era, and I'd rather forget everything about it. I had a simple objective and there was no need of empathy or moral standard except for 'save the princess before she ends up in one of Mario's castles' kind. My timeline actually made more sense back then, and that may be the only thing I miss."_

But good times eventually stopped rolling for our beloved young man as the 90s hit and grunge with its nihilistic mindset followed through. Yet he wasn't able to talk to anybody about his problems.

_"There are three reasons I don't talk. One, they made a dumb show that I refused to be part of and then they casted a douchebag who says 'Excuse me princess' more than I've ever said anything up until now. Two, I have a lot of bad thoughts on my mind every day and I just didn't want to say anything stupid to people. Third, I hate my voice. I think it sounds like some faggy college guy who can't get a girlfriend. Actually, that's who I am, some effeminate looking male who can't get the princess he's chasing after._

_It's probably for the best not to be too attached, what are the odds that any of my adventures were staged?"_

We asked Link about his family tree, and it dispensed another sad remark.

_"Nintendo claims my mom died fleeing from disaster, and with no mention of my dad at all. That's not much of a family in my opinion. I have my other incarnations as company along with Navi. She's not so bad compared to Fi. That ballet dancing computer made me feel stupid. Other than them, I guess I have no real family."_

Along with the rough tumble of the 90s came Link's downfall, which he kept private for many years to avoid unwanted attention from the media and keep Nintendo's good name innocent. It was rather futile, as Nintendo had gotten into trouble before with some moral outrage and even lawsuits made against them.

_"I got into listening to grunge and some nu-metal like Nirvana, Korn, and older stuff. When 1999 came around and all the popular Nintendo characters were going to be featured in a fighting game where we could meet one another, I was pretty stoked. But just before we had our first show, we had to line up and get approved. Not everyone made it, and among the saddest of the rejects was Kid Icarus. We hung around and did some drugs outside the stadium late at night and had some fun. It was the first time in a while that I felt genuine happiness._

_The next day, there was a riot outside started by little miss bipolar Princess Peach herself. She thought the Super Smash Brothers tournament was sexist because the only female participant was Samus Aran. Peach hardly ever fights for anything, she just smiles and looks pretty. Her mood swings were pretty bad even though Doctor Mario prescribed medicine that contained Lithium. I was still high and seeing pretty colours when Peach slapped me after I said something to her. I don't even remember what I said, but it must've been bad._

_If word got out that I was into 'bad' music that brainwashed kids and got high, Nintendo would've been in deeper horse crap than the time they left some morbid feature in a game. Something to do with a mansion and hamsters in microwaves, I think."_

Link still participated in the tournament despite some insecurities and reputation crippling secrets. According to one of the referees, Link played by the rules of the game and seemed to be a pretty cool guy. He'd get mobbed by fangirls and sign autographs for them.

_"To be honest, I don't know why I keep saving the princess or bother doing favours for people. It's not like I care about them, I just need something that spices up my life. Sitting around at home fapping all day is a lot more boring than it sounds. I think I just answered one of my own concerns here, but that's beside the point. I have morals, but at the same time, I barely feel anything for anyone. That's what's really wrong with me."_

In an attempt to figure out his own predicament, Link turned to many therapists who have come to a startling conclusion for our hero.

_"They said I was a bit of a psychopath because my emotions are shallow. However, I still have morals which are to be trusted more than my lack of empathy. The only living thing I call a friend would be my horse, Epona. She's a sweet animal and doesn't pass judgement like people do. Plenty of people I know think I'm a really nice guy, but I don't see myself that way. When I've been given a task to do, I don't have the desire to do it- but I do it anyway._

_One time around Y2K, Mario ended up having to deal with Luigi's crippling paranoia and left me to take care of Peach. I figured I could do a better at Mario's job, he should really stick to plumbing. Anyway, I told Peach that I actually didn't really have any feelings for her, and she slapped me again. She's got mad reflexes, I tell you. In an obvious attempt in making me feel attached to her, she told me she had a yeast infection and panicked about having random creepy things growing down there. I just said to her 'Yeast infection doesn't mean your vagina is turning into a bread oven,' and she just ran out of the room._

_I've gone to professionals to treat my 'smartassery', but some of it's still there. Only difference is that I keep those nasty things in my head."_

As Link grew more tired and the press became more suspicious, he knew he had to pull himself together or at least pretend everything was fine. However, he carries some regrets that have eaten away at him for years.

_"The CDI series. They didn't cast a different Link for that one, although that role was much goofier and more embarrassing than the TV show caricature of myself. At the time, I had no idea what I signed up for. They told me they'd give a million rupees, and I accepted the offer. When I saw the script, I was horrified and slapped one of the crew members with it. I didn't quit however. They coated me in makeup and put on a fake nose and a pompadour wig that looked and smelled like a squirrel's tail. They said it would be easier to tell people it wasn't me if I really hated it that much. Then, I was offered a hooker. That was pretty low of them, and she was really ugly anyway._

_I spent my fortune on more drugs, got high and saw pretty colours that made me feel better, then shrunk away from the public and watched some old films made by Trnka. When I got back to the set the next day, the hooker wasn't pleased and threatened to spread a rumour that I had made a porno with her. I told her it wouldn't work because she has no evidence for the media to chew up and vomit on._

_Once the games were finished, I wasn't surprised that gamers felt like vomitting from playing them. The sad thing is that King Harkinian is really the only lobotomized character in it. Everyone else was just acting. But that's all in the past now, and I'm more uncomfortable with the fact that the second Smash tournament happened two years after the first and I haven't gotten over the first one yet. The fangirls were cute, but now they've gone creepy!"_

As the internet abandoned dial-up and became a more common household item, so did the hostility that festers at the center of it. In the era where freedom of expression is accepted and information can be easily distributed, nothing in existence is truly safe. Link also began to display increased frustration at his increasingly complex timeline.

_"I discovered the fanfiction and rule 34. Most of it pairs me up with a guy, and I'm on the bottom. I really hate that. It's slander, I did not screw anyone nor am I interested. If I really wanted to screw Ganon, I'd rather be on top and in charge and see how he likes it. Not like I can do anything to stop fangirls from pairing up their favourite elf with anyone. Yes, I call myself an elf because Hylians are a type of elf. We have pointy ears, magic blood that connects us to something divine, and we're adorable. Is that really hard to process?_

_Oh wait, Nintendo throws another loop-de-hoop into my history. Thanks to this, I can't tell which adventures took place in another time, what order they were in, which ones where I travelled in time, and which ones that took place in another dimension by an entirely different version of myself. Thanks to Twilight Princess, I guess I can say that Hylians aren't real elves. Elves are based off of humans, which are mammals. Hylians are somehow related to Oocca, some kind of avian creature. Yet Hylians are sometimes referred to as humans. I could be wrong, but where does this nonsense end? I don't think I know who I am anymore, so I might as well recreate myself."_

By the end of 2007, Link had become a wildly popular subject for the tabloids that tried to document his every move. Some people caught onto his nihilism and newspapers everywhere began to feign their concern as they compared the Hylian to other notable celebrities. Rumours spread like wildfire, and Link found it difficult to fight everything coming at him. This isn't the kind of stuff anyone could easily kill off with a swing of a sword.

_"Brawl was coming next year. I felt like I had to do something to get cleaned up for good. If I didn't, they would've hired a replacement that could've driven my reputation further into the muck with the cretins not far behind. I decided to talk to at least one more person who actually knew better than those previous psychologists. She said that I'm not a psycho because she clearly saw how upset I was. Rehab was her idea, but I decided to quit drugs cold turkey. I'd pinch myself to control my cravings and curl up in my bed._

_The rumours people threw around became more malicious and frightened the crap out of me. I'll never understand why people who love their idols would do anything like this. Hey, I'll even chop 'em up if I have to. Not literally, but you know._

_I **did NOT** get the drugs from Pit, they came from some guy living on Elm Street. I **did NOT** have sex with Pit, that's just fanart made to please the fangirls' fetishes. I did NOT assault Peach outside battle, she's using the idea that men are always the bad guys just so people can feel sorry for her because she has vaginal fungus problems! Seriously, that's where toads come from. It's not a secret, so she should stop acting like it was one in the first place. I **did NOT** have sex with Ike or Captain Falcon either, Ike's too busy chasing Snake and Captain Falcon's straighter than a line._

_I especially **did NOT** have sex with any OC, they don't even exist in my universe. Half of the ones I've heard about are far from my ideals."_

In a 2008 interview, Link spoke his scathing words to the public. It didn't work out well for him, and one teen girl threatened to sue him for giving her multiple panic attacks. During that same interview, he responded to the stale question "why were you turned into a wolf?" with a shrug and muttered something about Twilight and Nintendo Logic before exiting stage left.

We're out of time, stay tuned for our next episode.


	2. Pit Kid Icarus

Previously on Shocking Truths, we focused our limelight on Link -the androgynous hero of time.  
Today's episode is going to have more "fly" for a lack of a word more fitting.

Kid Icarus aka Pit was an obscure and unpopular character since his debut in December of 1986. His first game was considered unforgivably difficult and a cheap knock-off of Metroid. At that point, the game developed its own cult following.

_"I wanted to be popular; it was the only thing that would keep my series running. Do you even know what happens to characters of short lived and unpopular franchises? I'll leave that up to you. Anyone who has played through with me knows that my world is screwed up. How do you explain snakes falling from the sky and not have the person next to you think you're crazy? And let's leave planes out of it, we don't have those."_

Up until 1990, Pit spent most of his days clubbing and consuming insane amounts of wine. When he ran out of hearts to spend, the manager kicked him out and left him outside. People would pass by and often mistook him for dead.

_"Getting kicked out was not pleasant, but neither was that shack. It stunk of vomit even after it was mopped up. Don't get me started on the decor! What kind of place has stuffed animal busts on the walls and expects you to feel comfortable drinking there? I'm never going back, so I guess I can't complain. Besides, you can find crappier red wine in the streets for free, no joke. Some people call it the 'water of life', but they're obviously lying."_

In 1991, Pit embarked on yet another adventure with little hope his fanbase would increase.

_"Same game, different final boss, and I was half buzzed on Red Bull all the time. You see, the reason I couldn't fly before was because my wings were too small back then. I was only a kid angel after all. The main reason I can't fly now is due to that blasted energy drink. It's like steroids and had the same adverse effect. My wing's muscles didn't develop properly and now people call me 'Dodo Boy' for it. They chose that particular bird because they believed I was doomed._

_Anyway, not long after I finished my adventure was when I got attacked by animal rights activists. They were upset over the idea that I was killing 'innocent' creatures and using their hearts as currency. First and foremost, those monsters were inherently evil and would attack without being provoked. Second, not all of those hearts came from said creatures."_

After nearly another decade of partying and drinking more red wine, Pit got an invitation to what was a ridiculous and awesome event at the time. Super Smash Bros. had been organized after another event that never quite got off the ground.

_"I didn't make the cut, they decided to replace me with Jigglypuff. I coped with it by doing hallucinogenic drugs with a friend, or at least we had fun together. You'd think Lady Palutena would come down and use her magic to make everything okay, but that's not how she works. She didn't bother with my situation until yet another decade later. If that wasn't odd enough, I still like her as a mother figure and perhaps even more."_

Pit spent most of the 2000's trying to keep his issues regarding the Oedipus complex a secret. It's a subject easily misunderstood, and not the only thing keeping him reclusive.

_"Whenever I was in the spotlight, people would laugh at what they thought were shortcomings. They wanted me to believe that a bunch of things about myself were bad. I'm not the manliest looking boy around, and that growth spurt made me look more like a bishonen. Whatever that means- I don't know, girls keep using that word. No surprise most of my haters are men who are so insecure about their heterosexuality that they try to slap 'gay' onto other guys. I swear, they don't know the meaning of that word at all._

_I wish people would just leave me alone, whatever I've done is nobody's business. If you're just going to mock me, just shut up and find a hobby._

_Not many people know this, but I really like hearts. Not the valentine shaped ones, real ones. They're so squishy and fascinating and on the move to keep their owners alive. The rythym is absolutely mesmerizing to me. Wait, what? NO! I don't eat them! Bet they taste gross. Why would you even think for a second that I kill people?"_

Although it's been a while since Pit commanded Palutena's army, the centurions became confused with their captain's odd behaviour and hypersensitivity. One cold night in December proved an almost fatal event that shocked the angel's friendship circle.

_"They told me I overdosed myself on a mixture of children's medicine and cocaine at a party in 2005. People do lie, so I didn't believe them. At least, not until I saw the viral video of me puking and passing out. There was more to it than that, but I'd rather not elaborate. Don't you dare try looking for it, because it's been taken down. I was grateful somebody called the hospital instead of capturing a video of my limp body being tossed around._

_The hospital they kept me in was brimming with bacteria that were also sick of themselves. You could see the cultures of them growing on walls! I'm not trying to be funny or offend anyone, but the staff were less cultured than those splotches. I mean, some people would remove komaytoes from a person in the hallways without any painkillers._

_After I had my stomach pumped, the nurses were horrified with the contents and poured the stuff out the window. Then they said I was done and wheeled me out very fast like it was a karting derby."_

Pit's fame shot through the roof as 2008 brought Super Smash Brothers Brawl along for the ride.

_"I got the invitation in the mail. Actually, it was handed to me. I finally joined the cast and was really excited to go meet everyone, but there were a few bad apples in the bunch. Ike got mad because Roy didn't make the cut and said I was just a look-alike-replacement. We're not even in the same series, for crying out loud! If anything, I think Ike was supposed to be Roy's replacement anyway._

_Samus was doing fine, although I still dislike her for stealing the spotlight I deserve. Then I found out she's one of the characters most lusted after and felt a bit bad for her. To me, she's always going to be like an older sister -except I'm still not too fond of her. Don't get me started on Wario, I hate him. He's the most disgusting man I've ever met and his morals are- oh wait he's only got one, GREED."_

With fame brings insanity and the loss of privacy, and poor Pit had no idea what kind of monstrosity he was in for. In the end, what kept him alive can be boiled down to his stubborn resilience and a soft spot he almost forgot he had.

_"Link told me to be aware of the insane fans, and he wasn't exaggerating a bit. I didn't know how to handle it all! The internet is a scary place and I became afraid of computers for a short time. Although I was scared, I still ventured around the stadium. One day, I totally lost it and panicked trying to find that guy I bought the LSD from. I needed an escape and fast._

_As I was running outside, I tried to fly but ended up looking like a plane that couldn't get off the ground. That's when I spotted Peach outside the building. She was barely recognizeable because she looked like a hooker, to be frank. She had the worst frown I had seen on anyone, ever. It was almost like looking at a mugshot photo. I try to talk to her and see what's wrong, but she refused to say what was bothering her and told me to shove a steel wool tampon up my shaft. For those who don't know, angels don't have genitals. Peach was far too disoriented to understand a thing, so I just backed up and bumped into Samus._

_She wanted to know what was going on with me, and I couldn't help but spill the beans. I'm bad at keeping secrets! Turns out everyone has some serious issues, not all of which are caused by the media being in everyone's face. I could feel my aggression melt away, and for the first time, I felt safe."_

As Pit began to accept help from people, he found it easier to address more important objectives. He began to take an interest in philosophy to find where he stands, but almost none of it really proved much anything to the angel. An isolated and arguably insignificant incident turned Pit's day upside down.

_"It was my birthday in 2009, people were being jolly because December is supposed to be the jolliest month of the year with Christmas being the most important thing. The only gifts I received were a pack of underwear from a secret Santa and a copy of some album I've never heard of from Link. It's called "Issues". I listened to it on a Walkman while walking outside and saw an unusual sight in the snowy grass._

_It was a bird not like any other. Its wings were just stubs and it resembled a hairball with whiskers. This was very odd, but I could relate a lot to it. Those shiny button eyes were the cutest thing I saw all day. As I watched the bird try to cross the street, it got hit by a truck that drove way too close to the curb. You have no idea how much I cried afterwards, as I thought the driver hit it on purpose. Men can cry, you know. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to finish reading about nihilism before going outside._

_I know how much the world hates the exceptions to the rules, but the rules were too narrow in the first place!"_

After more monotonous partying and uncontrolled alcohol consumption, Pit went back to answering fan-mail in hope it would cure his emotional ills. He despised how most of them asked about his sexual relations with other smashers and why he couldn't fly. This repeating frustration led to a discussion with the head of the stadium to have all Pit's fanmail intercepted and incinerated in the furnace.

_"I know it isn't fair, but the odds of getting any decent fanmail are slim to none."_

Things picked up in an entirely different direction our angel had gotten used to. Sometime during 2012, Pit had to save the world again.

_"At first, I was excited because my mission made me feel important again. It also burdened me that the world was at stake just to make me feel this great again. Some selfish freak I turned out to be!_

_This time, Medusa was somehow not dead even after I shot her big ugly eyeball at least a thousand times. But that's not even the best part! I could fly- well, only for a short time. Don't ask me why Lady Palutena couldn't keep me up for more than five minutes, only she knows for sure. At some point, I saw the world from a dog's point of view -for a short while anyway. Some parts reminded me of a few bad acid trips I previously had and- what? Oh, sorry. It's still a new adventure and I'm not supposed to leak spoilers. My bad!_

_So, what else can I talk about? OH! I had a part time job as a violinist for Tetris on the NES! That's interesting, right? Okay, I'll admit it's a lame job. To make up for it, I could tell you something a little scary. Anyone who knows of my adventures could wonder why many of the baddies are based off body parts. Although I've been here and there and I'm expected to know everything, I really don't. Now that I've mentioned it, I don't think I even want to know where all those creeps come from._

_Let's see, what else is there? I had a role on a kid-friendly show. They thought it would be funny to make me put 'icus' at the end of my sentences. All that stuff was totally staged. You wouldn't believe how much they spent on invisible wire to suspend me. It had to be really thin, so the audience wouldn't notice. It broke several times which resulted in some humiliating outtakes._

_King Hippo had a problem absorbing oxygen, which is why he was blue all the time. The Eggplant Wizard was real, and his anger towards anyone in the show was genuine. Princess Lana was a belly-dancer who came from Europe. As for the others, I have no clue where they came from, but I knew that the guy they hired to play Megaman had smoker's lung. Everybody laughed at me when the wires broke or the crane holding them would make me crash into something."_

The future is often one of the scariest monsters we know, simply because it's full of mystery and holds the potential to lead to a dead end. We asked Pit to elaborate on his plans now that he has free time -for now.

_"This is one of the things I wanted to do. You know, get interviewed and end up on some shady show or in a book only people into grim stuff would remember. I have no idea what will happen after this. Palutena's probably going to complain about fanboys fapping to her, Medusa's probably considering DIY plastic surgery, Hades may try to take over the world using another crock-pot method and I'll try not to cry so much. Aside from the road kill incident, I still cried more during the making of Captain N: The Game Master. I'm slightly embarrassed to be talking about this stuff, but I feel better knowing that at least I'm not in Luigi's situation."_

We close off, saying our sympathetic goodbyes to the boy who still wishes he could fly on his own.


End file.
